I fear little in the end except myself

"There is one thing a hero and a coward have in common. That is fear." - Unknown

There are many times I can say others have scared me, or that I have been in situations where external conditions were frightening. As a runaway teen, those experiences were not infrequent. But in the end, the most terrifying thing I have ever faced is myself.

Cliche, no? But true. The life-long lesson of learning how not to self-sabatoge, how not to hurt myself, and how to make the effort, every day, simply to get up and get moving has been more difficult than I can articulate. There are wonderous things I have learned through this. Survival is not something that concerns me - I know I will always find a way to make it. I will not be on the street. I will not be without food. I will not be alone and without resources. I have utter confidence in that, it is not even a question.

But it is not belief in God or love or strength that I know these things from, it is simply lived experience. It is in those moments I am not afraid because I know who I am. And I am, at my core, someone who has never died, who has faltered and stumbled and come crashing down, breaking all limbs in my spirit, but have continued to limp forward. Life hurts, but the only alternative is suicide. That is not an option.

And so what else is there to do but keep living?

To my occasional surprise, those are the moments when other people are also not afraid, but they sometimes lend that strength to God, to their family, to some other outside source. I want to shake these people and tell them that their ability to keep going is thiers. It is proven by their efforts.

Don't give the credit away. Don't minimize your efforts. You are strong. You will survive. You know this. Keep knowing it.

And yet there are the moments where I fear survival is all I am capable of. Yes, there is strength in coming back from the brink of utter destitution multiple times, but am I able to find a life several miles away from the edge of the cliff, not simply skirting its edges? Yes, the knowledge of where every food bank in any given city I've lived in is useful, but am I able to make enough money to reliably feed myself? I write beautifully, but am I disciplined enough to make it count for something other than scrawls on a dying website?

I do not always know. Maybe survival itself gets in the way. Maslow's Heirachy and all that. I can look at myself and feel compassion for the struggles. But often I look at myself and wonder if I am simply not capable.

I always say nothing happens in a vacuum. All things are brought round to you through others. This is true. But if others are a part of the equation, then so is the self.

If knowing is half the battle.....then what does one do with the other half?????

That is the question that frightens me the most. It is a question in which the answer lies soley in myself. There is no study guide. There are no Spark Notes. Only I can answer it.

And sometimes I fear I will never have the answer at all.